This is a place to submit secrets and thoughts about being a female to male (FTM or F2M) trans person, regardless of transition status. Some posts might be triggering.
3289) I don’t even know how to identify. All of my life I have envied males. In my sexual fantasies, I am always a man. Whenever I dissociated, I was mentally a man. But in the “real world”, I guess I still identify as a woman, because that is what people will see regardless of the clothes I wear. I hate it. I hate my face, I hate my short height, and I hate my body. I have always found the male figure appealing, not because of sexual attraction, but because I wanted that to be me. But who am I?
3288) I have such a supportive group of family and friends but I still am hesitant to come out as a transboy. I like wearing my dresses and skirts. I can only orgasim alone by wearing my piece and jerking it off. I sleep with my cock on. It is a very nonrealistic design but I get pissed off if people refer to it as a “dildo”. I am very attached to it. I worry that I am just a girl who wants a cock?
3287) I just started testosterone and I’m incredibly horny all the time. I’ve even started to become attracted to guys, which hasn’t happened since I was like 7. Now, how do I tell my femme girlfriend, when I’m fucking her, all I can think about is sucking a big dick? I’m thinking of cheating on her because I know she wouldn’t understand.
3286) I’m stealth, and the person I’m dating found my ID the other day.. He said it doesn’t change how he feels about me, but recently we’ve been talking less, and the “I love you”s have stopped… He’s said he’s busy, and I believe him, but all I can think about is how disgusting I must seem.. I feel completely unlovable.
3284) I have a dream that I run away to college faraway from home after graduation and get a job, buy a real binder, start T, get top surgery and blend into normalcy without having to confess to anyone who I am. Too bad it’ll never come true.
3283) My best friend, the first person to know I’m a transman, but the only one I even talk to about it still refuses to use the correct pronouns and name. Of what I’ve picked up from observation and little bits from conversations lead me to the conclusion that she thinks one is not a specific gender until you physically fit such a sex. In other words, she wont see me as a male until I’ve transitioned…
3282) i’m scared to take t if i could because my sex drive is ridiculous already and when coupled with crippling bottom dysphoria it’s a terrible combination. i got top surgery first so maybe i can get bottom surgery before T sends my sex drive thru the roof. but as it is i spend all my time watching gay porn, hating my parts, and annoying my boyfriend with my jealousy that he’s been fucked by men with cis guy cocks and i can’t do that for him even though that is all i want to do and all i think about
3281) if i hate the thing between my legs so much, which i do, how much of a hypocrite am i to expect that queer men not hate what is between my legs? if i am turned on by a flesh and blood penis getting erect which i am, why should i fault queer men for not wanting to be with me because i don’t have that? the answer is, i don’t blame queer men. but i can’t believe my bi cis boyfriend when he says he doesn’t miss a real dick or getting to fuck a girl (and i’d sooner die than be a girl or get fucked).
3280) i wish i didn’t feel this way but words like “vagina” make me nauseated. i know that if i wasn’t stuck with one i wouldn’t feel this way—after all i stopped hating the word “breasts” after my top surgery—but i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to afford it so i don’t know when this will stop. also so many gay men say vaginas are disgusting in front of me not knowing i’m trans so i have no idea how much of this aversion is due to society and how much of it is due to my constant bottom dysphoria.
3279) in my experience, lesbians’ awful hate for trans women is so political, while gay men’s hate for trans men is purely aesthetic, which kills me since i am a gay trans man. gay men do all they can to separate themselves from FAABs, while lesbians worshiped butch dykes and strap ons long before being trans became known. the idea of a gay man strapping on jenna jameson’s “virtual pussy” is laughable.if i liked women my life as a trans man would be so much easier. unfortunately i am a kinsey six
3278) i’d rather live as an ugly man than want to die as someone hot who is read as a woman most of the time. this is relevant because thanks to youth and natural high T levels, top surgery, and my boyfriend i’ve been passing as a gay guy for over a decade. but my twink days are ending and i need to find t. genes say i’ll become a fat bald hair-bear and my bf (and i, sadly) like twinks. i worry we’ll both find me ugly and he’ll break up with me but better an ugly man than a WOMAN of any kind.
3277) the more boyish i am, the more queers think i’m a dyke. the more i don’t try to be boyish, they think i am a straight girl. both are wrong. both are horrible because i am neither a girl nor do i like girls sexually. straight men hit on me in the grossest of ways and i want to kill them, i have never been into a straight man in my life. straight girls giggle and call me “girlfrenn” and ooze about their biological clocks and “boobies” and “hoo-has” and i wanna puke. i hate everyone sometimes.
3276) I went into Jamba Juice to get a smoothie for the first time in a while, and the lady taking my order put me down as “Alex.” When she and her friend (male) where in the back, I heard them loud and clear arguing over my gender, and weather my name was “Alice” or “Alex.” When the lady’s friend came over, he handed my drink and said, “Here you go, ALICE.” He has such a strict pronunciation on the name “Alice,” and looked back triumphantly to his friend. I just smiled and walked out.
