This is a place to submit secrets and thoughts about being a female to male (FTM or F2M) trans person, regardless of transition status. Some posts might be triggering. Tags being used:
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3778) Last night I had a dream where I had top surgery. When I woke up I told my girlfriend and she said it doesn’t matter what I have under my clothes she sees me a man. And that just makes me feel amazing.
3777) I’ve never felt it was a bad thing to be female, so I don’t get offended when people use either pronouns.However, when people ask me directly about gender, or if I have to discuss it I lie and say I am intersexed-that this is the reason my body meets neither standard. I think this will go on until T more uniformly changes my body.
3774) I despise my period with a burning passion. I feel like less of a man when I get it. I used to ignore it and pretend that I was happy and okay but it’s getting to the point where I don’t know what I’m going to do next. I can’t handle it anymore. It’s too much.
3773) I lied to my therapist about my self-harm history (and acted as if I’ve never had serious negative thoughts), because I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have written my letter for T if she knew how emotionally unstable I have been and am.
3772) My teacher asked the girls when we wanted children and how many he wanted. Obviously, he pointed at me. I haven’t told anyone I feel like a boy, but I felt sick. It was like “Oh, right. Baby making machine. Right.”
3771) When I came out to my parents a year and a half ago before college they shoved me back into the closet and decided to pretend that I never said anything. Now that I’m back from college I desperately want to tell them that I plan to fully transition before graduation, but I’m scared to say because of their reaction the first time and scared to go through with transitioning because I don’t want to hurt them.
3770) I broke up with my long-distance girlfriend a while ago because there wasn’t enough communication. I broke up with her because I couldn’t help but feel like the reason she didn’t talk to me is because she never saw me as a man.
3769) “Don’t you love the life you killed? The priest is on the phone, your father hit the wall, your ma disowned. Don’t suppose I’ll ever know what it means to be a man. It’s somethin’ I can’t change I’ll live around it” (“Slide” by The Goo Goo Dolls”). Those lyrics get to me every time.
3768) I’ve been trying to avoid going swimming for the past year and a half because I have really bad chest dysphoria. I’m going to the beach in a couple of days and even though I’ll be in a male bathing suit, I can’t help but feel uncomfortable and vulnerable. I feel like me trying to pass is pointless because everyone will clearly be able to tell that I’m a female when I’m in the water.
3767) Non of my friends call me by male pronouns. I’ve tried being polite and I’ve even gotten mad at them a few times when one of them comtinued asking me to never turn into a boy. I feel like the only person in the world who understands is my girlfriend.
3766) I didn’t know I was transgender as a child. I wore dresses and skirts- even preferred them to pants. I loved princesses and the color pink. All my life I have had primarily girl friends. My parents did not push me to be in sports- I couldn’t even ride a bike until 3rd grade. I loved stuffed animals. I loved organizing and cleaning things. But then 7th grade started and I began to get dysphoric and all the sudden worried about being “trans enough”. Well fuck the stereotypes. Just be yourself.
3765) I know that plenty of men do not have penises, and that genitalia do not make a person’s identity… But the problem isn’t so much what I do not have as it is what I /do/ have. I didn’t think I had much bottom dysphoria, but I can’t even jack off. That’s not okay.
3764) I want to be strong enough to show my friends and family what I’m really like behind closed doors- how sometimes I let myself give up and I just fall on the floor in hopelessness and helplessness. How I actually do have emotions. How I cry, how I stare numbly at my body as, day after day, it stubbornly does not reveal what I need it to. But I’m not strong enough to show people that weaker side of myself because if I do.. they will only see me as more stereotypically feminine. As will I.